I wrote this whilst eating pizza in a week when I’d eaten entirely too much pizza. My Dad’s been on a frozen pizza buying binge. Our freezer has to be at least half full of pizza and someone has to eat it.
It may also have been a week where I was feeling very overstimulated. Things had been very stressful and in times like that, I really struggle to eat new foods and the number of foods that I can eat without panicking greatly reduces too.
When it’s really bad, it’s all carbs. How many crackers can I eat today? That sort of thing.
Having a limited diet…especially after years of working on my own, with myself doing what is essentially graded exposure is sort of heartbreaking. It feels like the control over your life, that you’ve fought for is slowly slipping away from you. Water draining through a sieve.
It’s also very hard to lose weight when you are drawn to bland crispy foods whenever things in the real world are getting to be too much for you.
Some thoughts of mine on food:
“Yes I would really like to eat pineapple, but you see that pineapple isn’t from a brand I’ve eaten so…it’s making me feel super anxious.”
“Yes I have eaten this before but it’s too red to eat today. Red is too bright for me today.”
“I can’t eat this because these too foods are touching each other and I don’t know what the two flavours together would taste like. I can’t imagine the taste so I feel really uncomfortable.”